'Vampyre' Candidate Backs Public Impaling

By Associated Press

January 13, 2006, 9:42 AM EST

MINNEAPOLIS -- One gubernatorial candidate in Minnesota is giving a whole new meaning to the "dark side" of politics. A man who calls himself a satanic priest plans to

run for governor on a 13-point platform that includes the public impaling of terrorists at the state Capitol building. "I'm tough on terrorism," he said. "Real tough."

Jonathon Sharkey, also known as "The Impaler", and who is affectionately referred by his followers as "Toothy," plans to launch his gubernatorial campaign on -- when else? -- Friday the 13th. He'll make the announcement in Princeton sometime after sunset.

"I'm going to be totally open and honest," said the 41-year-old leader of the "Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party." "Unlike other candidates, I'm not going to hide my evil side," he said. Such honesty has won him sympathy from werewolves, the undead, and pagans who find his unbridled passion for the truth refreshing. "Given a chance, he could bring real reform to American politics," said Lon Cheney, speaking through a Ouija board.

Sharkey previously ran for the presidency as Rocky ?Hurricane? Flash. In an official statement, Sharkey wrote:

I am now OFFICIALLY stating that I want this committee closed, immediately. Rocky ?Hurricane? Flash?s human existence ended on October 22, 2004. Hence, there is no reason to keep this matter of his campaign committee open."

In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot and it seems that every year a few eccentric candidates make the rounds.
Sharkey raises the bar. For one thing, he told the Star Tribune in an e-mail that he drinks blood. "Yea, well," said Sharkey, "I'm not running around hypnotizing women and throwing out old cliché?' like, 'I vahnt to drrrink your bluhd.' Besides, the blood I drink is very low in fat."

Including the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and other criminals, Sharkey's platform includes emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans - which puts him head and shoulders above George W. Bush in having a domestic agenda for our country.

Sharkey said he worships Lucifer and, while he says he has nothing against Christians, he calls the "Christian God the Father" his "mortal enemy." His background in fighting non-Christians is an asset in the war against terrorism as well as rounding up the heretofore politically inactive Satanists.

Sharkey said he was injured during a parachute jump with the Army in 1982 and receives veterans' disability benefits - another plus. Americans have a long-standing regard Jonathon Sharkey - Presidential Candidate

Jonathon Sharkey - Presidential Candidate

for war veterans.

He has not yet registered as a gubernatorial candidate, but he has already filed as a candidate for the 2008 presidential election.

In a recent Zogby poll, Mr. Sharkey holds a 4 point lead in a head-to-head race with George W. Bush, and a whopping 45 point lead over Dick Cheney. He is in a dead heat with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "She's a tough cookie," Mr. Sharkey noted. "My most formidable opponent to date."

"Anybody can shoot a man in the face," remarked Cheney. "That don't make you capable of running a country! Now, impaling has untapped potential!"