I sat on the grass across from a stump. The stump, immovable, stared back, appearing bored. The stump had agreed to the interview, but I was not sure the stump had been anything more than polite in its acquiescence. I had explained that I was there to conduct the first in-depth interview of a stump, and had picked him at random. But where to start? Having never thought much about stumps, let alone spoken to a stump before, I launched into the interview with the first question that came to mind.

What may I call you?

Stump.

That's it?

We're all named Stump.

First and Last?

Yep! Call me Stump Stump!

What's it like being a stump?

Pretty boring actually. Stumps don't do nothin'. We don't get around except when pulled up and cut up for firewood, or mulched. We're pretty predictable.

Do you resent people sitting on you?

Naw...People can sit on me all they want to. Doesn't hurt and doesn't change my situation any. Sometimes I get a little annoyed when I'm thinkin' about somethin', and here comes this big ol' butt just ploppin' down on me. Ruins my concentration. But I know I got all day and night to think. I don't care for people scraping their muddy shoes on me, but what can I do? No rest for the stump, as we say.

Stumps don't sleep?

Not any stumps I know. We get drowsy and sometimes just kinda drift off, but we don't sleep. We're kinda in a constant state of rest anyway, you know?

Now, you weren't born a stump, right?

Hey! There was a time when I was a friggin' tree, OK? Everybody loves a tree. I was a great tree. An oak! Until the rot.... I had great bark once. You were saying?

Well, tell me about being a tree.

What's to tell? People and squirrels and birds and insects all like to just crawl all over you. Trees are good for swings, tree houses, nests, and FIREWOOD! I hear I was carved into a totem pole. That's kinda cool, being a totem pole. And then I heard the totem pole became a yule log. That's kinda cool, too. Making everyone warm and full of holiday spirits. Of course, all turns to ash. I can't think about it now. I was a tree once; now I'm a stump. After that, I'll be something else. Like I said, mulch or firewood. Maybe just sit here and rot until I'm dirt. I don't have much say on these matters.

God, that sounds depressing.

Maybe it is. How would I know? Stumps don't get too depressed. We just take what comes our way. And we never expect what comes. Always comes out of the blue. I mean, what else can we do?

Sounds so hopeless. You must have dreams and aspirations, right?

It's very hopeless. Aspirations? I'd like to just stay a stump for now. I know this doesn't sound like much. At one time I thought I had a shot at being a park bench, but that desire went away pretty fast. I can't imagine being anything but a stump.

Have we been insensitive to the stump?

I don't know. I do take exception to that "Dumb as a stump" remark. We're not dumb, just immobile. Now, "Dumb as a post"--that's true. Posts might look like stumps, but they're not stumps. We think of them as kinda like our dead cousins. And you would know us from a "sack of hammers", obviously.

Do you talk to other stumps?

I hear things.

Yes, but do you and other stumps converse?

I said, I hear things. The short answer is yes.

What do you mean?

Look around you! Do you see any other stumps? No! But I do hear things. Things you don't want to know! Things you wouldn't understand.

Try me. Please?

Have you ever noticed that some stumps lean? I mean, lean a lot! While others, like me, well...we just kinda stay straight.

Go on.

Look, talk to the other stumps. Better yet, see how much they're leaning. Young stumps. Damn fools, if you ask me.

Leaning? Isn't that just the way some stumps are?

All stumps start out straight. Those that lean... I hear things! Look, can we stop now? I mean, you can get the rest from the library, right? I don't have much else to say.

What I learned today could not come from a library.

Sure, it could.

No.

OK. It couldn't. But could we stop now? I'm getting a lot of insect bites right now. I need to think about that.

You've been very kind to talk to me. I want to thank you for your time. Any last words?

Yea. Stumps are people, too.

And so they are.

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