MEMORANDUM
TO:Washington D.C. Office
FROM:The Board of Directors
DATE:September 8, 1998
RE:Third Quarter Results and Fourth Quarter Projections
It has come to our attention that there has been a dramatic third quarter drop in productivity in our Washington, D.C. office. As you know, productivity has been relatively low for some time. Our decision to keep the D.C. office has always been with the understanding that productivity would fluctuate, and, therefore, we assumed modest goals for the D.C. office. However, not since 1973 has productivity dropped this significantly. Our stock has plummeted with this recent projection and most economic analysts have written us off. 
We have acknowledge that the D.C. office would operate in the red and accepted sub par performance as a necessary exchange for D.C. presence in our organization. However, based on the third quarter results, we project an insurmountable drop off at the end of the fourth quarter unless drastic actions are taken today. We have looked into this matter and have uncovered the underlying reasons for this drop in productivity and why we expect it to continue. 
 
Apparently, Mr. Clinton has engaged in at least one, possibly more, sexual encounters on the job. Our policies prohibit such activity as it results in a drop in morale, and a subsequent drop in productivity. Furthermore, Mr. Starr has operated well out of budget, expenses exceeding
the budget for his department by has much as $50,000,000 in spite of our explicit fiscal policies which prohibit such activity without the Board of Directors' approval. 
The combination of the two (low morale and excessive spending) provide the primary factors for our projections. (See figure below.) 
Productivity Decline
No company can operate profitably under these conditions! 
Reports brought to our attention indicate that two distinct groups have emerged from this chaotic environment and are conducting themselves less than professionally. The other day I saw Mr. Hatch, Mr. Specter, and Mr. Gingrich engaged in a television interview regarding these matters. Each of them publicly identified themselves as "republicans"--whatever that means. Each of them was publicly critical of the D.C. office,
and, by default, the organization at large. Our problems with this are twofold: 1) Our policies prohibit public discussion of our operations; 2) Neither of these employees were authorized to conduct public interviews
with the media.
Another group, which identified itself as the "democrats," spoke on national television as well, censuring both Mr. Clinton, Mr. Starr, and the group referred to as the "republicans." (I assume the "republicans" to which they referred were the same group with which Mr. Hatch and others identified themselves.)
Based on their remarks, it appears at least 80% of our employees stationed at D.C. are not working, but, instead, are involved in a variety of unauthorized practices. These practices include arriving to work late, taking extended vacations, and engaging in personal business while on duty.


Is it any wonder productivity has dropped so low? As I mentioned earlier, drastic actions must be taken if we are to preserve the D.C. site. The following actions will be implemented immediately: 

It is our sincere hope that we can turn around the D.C. office. We extend our regrets to those employees who have remained on the job and have carried out their duties as assigned. We understand this will cause further disruption. We hope it is temporary. 
We apologize on behalf of the organization for the work environment to which you have been exposed and congratulate you on your
dedication to our mission: 

Quality service through quality people for quality people. 



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