Address to the Constituents of the 22nd District of Texas
(first draft)

Washington, Apr 4 -

For the past 21 years as your Congressman, it has been an incredible honor to represent the citizens of the 22^nd District of this great state of Texas - a district I helped create. What a pair of decades we have lived together. What a pair!

When I started in politics, I was inspired by the optimism and conservative principles embodied by one of our greatest presidents, Ronald Reagan. He's dead now, but he still inspires me - even more! I remember spending long nights in the Oval Office with The Gipper playing spin the bottle. We kissed a lot.

Since I first asked for your votes for Congress back in 1984, America has moved closer to, not further from, the ?shining city on a hill? that he so magnificently described. (Actually, I described it; he stole it. But what the hell...")

She has risen from malaise [reference to Jimmy Carter], won a cold war [USA v. Commies] and a few hot ones, and liberated hundreds of millions across Europe and tens of millions of Afghans and Iraqis. And when we hit Iran, whoa doggie! Them towel heads wont know what hit 'em!

At home, we moved from policies that had long empowered government to finally empowering corporations?initiating sweeping and positive change across all facets of corporate America.  I can't name any, but I know we did.

While in Washington in that first decade of service, I was also privileged to be part of another triumph?finally providing Americans with a strong, competitive two party system at the national level. Or, at least, one competitive one and the Democratic party.

Our efforts culminated in the transformational election of 1994 [reference to Newt Gingrich's Contract With America] in which voters elected Republican majorities in both Houses of the United States Congress. A magnificent power grab! A coup! Why, I thought I'd be king of the world, ma! Took some doing, some arm-twisting, but we knew the people of this great nation would ignore the outcome until it was too late.

I then bullied my Republican colleagues to be selected as one the top four House leaders as Majority Whip and later Majority Leader. I got lots of perks, too. I can't discuss this any further, so my lawyer advises.

Together, we put policies in place to renew America?s security, prosperity, and families, too few to mention here.

We adopted year after year of tax relief to corporations and multi-millionaires, which led to growth so strong it has not only propelled our economy, but has spurred economic growth across the globe. Some call it outsourcing.

We reformed welfare, moving tens of millions of good Americans from poverty to invisibility.

We passed litigation reform, to begin freeing our economy from the shackles of frivolous lawsuits, like the one I'm engaged in now with my insurance company over the rebuilding of my home in the wake of Katrina.

And, we approved reforms in energy, telecommunications, transportation and other areas as well, all of which had been bogged down and blocked by those who ran Congress for the 40 years before our election. These reforms have helped business now only stay afloat, but free up their profits for important political donations.

Today, the war on terror ? one-sided for years as we suffered attack after attack from the World Trade Center to the USS Cole ? has been joined and is being won around the world - except in the Middle East where we still got a ways to go.

Unemployment hovers near historic lows. Those who once received unemployment benefits are now working at half the wages they once had, have accepted their rightful place as servants to big business, and have, through our attrition initiative, fallen off the unemployment rolls. Home ownership at all time highs and debt at all time highs, too! Consumers now carry more debt than ever before. A magnificent achievement!

Partial-birth abortion has been banned. Unborn victims of violence are now protected in law. And you still cannot get a tax credit for the unborn citizens.

And the new Supreme Court is home to two of the finest young jurists of their generation. By adding these two young jurists, we will be able to reduce to the Supreme Court to only two justices. You'll see!

Here in the district, we have worked hard on and accomplished dozens of major priorities, including creating tens of thousands of new jobs, providing the region with the vision and resources to achieve world class mobility, revitalizing our space program with new vision and priorities. Did I say tens of thousands of new jobs? I meant, tens of HUNDREDS of new jobs, both here and abroad.

And we?ve done it all on the enduring strength of our principles and our ideas with a little help from our propagandists and gobs of money.  Money pouring out of our ears. We swim in it. But I digress.

As I reflect on these past two decades of public service, I have enjoyed every minute of it. Even when Newt Gingrich towel-snapped me, I loved it. Even when Bill Frist pinched my ass, I loved it. Even when Dick Cheney shot me in the face - repeatedly, I loved it.

I have been proud and privileged both to serve the Texans of the 22nd district in the great institution of the people?s House; and also to serve with some of the most incredible, dedicated, energetic, and thoughtful people in Congress, and in the leadership teams of both the House and Senate. Most important, Strom Thurmond, God rest his segregationist soul. He lies now in a whiter place.

It has also been an honor to work closely with one of Texas? favorite home boys, a president with no moral integrity or leadership skills, a president so poorly qualified to be president it makes me shudder, George W. Bush. His Administration has done much to restore the type of principled leadership that President Reagan demonstrated and that first drew me to seek service in our Nation?s capitol. What can I say about George W. Bush? I have only praise for the swift manner in which we not only propagated a war, but declared victory. He's a real hoot!

In the same vein, I also have been proud to make whatever contribution I could to the conservative movement to which I feel so strongly connected and the enduring national conservative majority that has been transforming our nation for the past decade. (Hint!)

For the opportunity to participate in all of these endeavors, I remain deeply thankful to the voters and constituents of the 22^nd District for their faith and their votes. (Hint, hint!)

Now, however, after many weeks of personal prayerful thinking and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that it is time to close this public service chapter of my life. You see, I am about to be indicted, and that just does not sit well with most people, even Texans. But, hey, it's not like I'm some serial killer or anything. I am open to other points of view. (HINT!)

It?s time to begin opening new chapters and pursue new opportunities to engage in the important cultural and political battles of our day from outside the arena of the U.S. House of Representatives and inside the Federal penitentiary where I am sure I will solidify more solidly my position on gay marriage.

Because I care so deeply about this district and the people in it, I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat with a negative, personal campaign. In no ways should this previous statement be construed as negative. My withdrawal will, undoubtedly, ensure this.

The voters of the 22^nd District of Texas deserve a campaign about the vital national issues that they care most about and that affect their lives every day, and not a campaign focused solely as a referendum on me. After all, why should voters consider a candidate's credentials when trying to decide who can best lead them into oblivion?

So today, I am announcing my intention to resign my seat in the House. I will make that resignation effective sometime before mid-June, unless the president requests otherwise or Karl Rove believes he can pull a fast one, but largely dependent on the congressional calendar. I plan to begin focusing on the next phase of my life as a private citizen and a convict.

Between now and the date that I leave the House, however, I will continue to focus on and tend to several important legislative priorities for the 22^nd District. Period. I think you know what those several important legislative priorities are. I don't think I have to specify with any specificity the several key, critical, important legislative priorities to which I will tend between now and the date that I leave the House.

Also during this period, I will determine the new ways from various arenas outside of public office that will allow me to continue to contribute to and engage in the policy, political, and cultural issues of national importance to the conservative majority. I might join a health club. I might join a motorcycle club. I haven't decided. However, whatever I join, I am sure I will bring a positive conclusion to the gathering.

With that plan in mind, I also intend to relocate to my Virginia property and reside closer to Washington, so that I can dedicate the necessary time and energy to making a successful transition from the public to private sectors for myself and family. Who the hell wants to get hit with another hurricane?

With the news of my decision, there of course will be great speculation among the political pundits and media about my reasons both for this decision and its timing. I am quite certain most will put forward their opinions and conclusions devoid of, and unencumbered by accuracy, facts, and truth, so I thought I might try to make everyone?s job a little easier. Don't you think this is noble of me?  I do.  Magnificently noble! Pre-emptive even!

The people of the 22nd district have been extremely loyal and true to me, and throughout my service to them, I have always done the same. I have always acted solely on my beliefs and convictions, nothing more. My beliefs and convictions might leave something to be desired, but I acted on them.

I have no fear whatsoever about any investigation into me or my personal or professional activities. Again, I have gobs and gobs of lawyers. And didn't you see me smiling in my mug shot? Was that a smile of a man who believes he is guilty of any wrong-doing? Nope!

As one of my colleagues in the House leadership astutely observed a while back, the wheels of justice turn much more slowly than the wheels of allegation for political figures with lots and lots of cronyism from which to draw.

I will be quite content to be judged when the passage of time has provided both all of the facts and a greater sense of perspective than is possible for most today. In the meantime, why don't we just forget about this whole mess and go about our business of gay-bashing?

As difficult as this decision has been for me, it?s not going to be a great day for liberal Democrats, either. (Not sure what this means, but it sounded good when I read it.)

My loyalty to the Republican Party ? indeed, my love for the Republican Party ? has played no small part in this decision. Indeed, to be truthful, when it comes to Republicans, I am gay! I love Republicans - short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, young ones, old ones.

Having served under Republican and Democrat control in the House, I know first hand how important it is for Republicans to maintain their national majority, without which I don't stand a chance in hell of dodging my crimes. A Democrat Congress in 2007 would, without doubt or remorse, raise hundreds of billions of dollars in taxes, summarily cut and run from the war on terror, and immediately initiate an unconstitutional impeachment of President Bush. (Hey! He's onto something here!)

However certain such antics (antics?) might make a Republican resurgence in 2008, the times are too grave to waste even two years in the life of this nation?and allow even one more vote for their agenda of pessimism and failure.

Equally precious to me are the remaining years of my own life, and I look forward with both joy and curiosity to the future God holds for me. Or Satan. I might go to Hell. But if I do, I will quickly form an ad hoc investigative committee to overturn God's ruling and map out a special district in purgatory just for me.

I know for certain that I plan to devote a good deal more of my time and energy to fully completing Rio Bend, the foster care community built by the DeLay Foundation for Kids and opened in 2005. Unless I have to pay back the money to the Foundation. In which case, I will sue for every dime. Screw the kids!

The community is partially completed and currently providing permanent, loving, stable families to 27 formerly abused and neglected children. Hopefully, with the death of the welfare state, they will not only be formerly abused and neglected, but forever homeless.

I believe the model we have established here for these children in Fort Bend County can be duplicated elsewhere, and I look forward to working through the Foundation to make that a reality for foster kids around the country.

Eleven years into the Republican Congressional majority and six years into the Bush Administration, our nation has much to show for our leadership.

But as proud as I am of our record over that time, I am fully aware that record is incomplete.

(I wonder how long I can talk? Long enough, perhaps to stave an investigation?  Maybe I can talk all the way through my death.  I am a boring fellow.)

We still need to redesign government. (Agreed.)

We still need to chuck our current, broken systems of taxation, regulation, and litigation, which hamstring our economy and health care systems ? and replace them with pro-growth, pro-innovation, pro-individual alternatives. One could say I'm a promo.

We need to ensure the basic human rights and dignity of the unborn and unwanted are protected under the law, and that judges adhere to their important but limited role in our constitutional framework even though no mention is made in the Constitution of this matter.

I look forward to traveling the country and listening to conservatives, helping grassroots leaders to develop a unifying agenda and a strategy to enact it, to learn from past setbacks and build on our successes. (Actually, I don't, but, hell, throw me a bone, people!)

Finally, no success in my career could ever match the one truly great success of my life ? my marriage. (HUH?) So, take my wife...please! [Nervous laughter.]

In the summer before our junior year in high school, I was asked to look after a girl named Christine, and I have ever since, for more than 42 years now. She has done an even greater share of looking after me. She washes the dishes, does the laundry, and walks the dog. Hell, I don't do anything around the house - or the Senate.

She is the reason I have ever accomplished anything in politics or in life, and the reason I am so looking forward to this next phase in our life.

Thank you Christine. Whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers.

There are many others to thank as well?.a word of heartfelt thanks to my base of many loyal supporters who have stood beside me for more than 20 years and sent me 11 times to represent them in Washington. That's almost two touchdowns.

In addition, to all of the local elected officials in the 22^nd District, and in the greater Houston area, you have been tremendous partners in getting things done for our shared constituents and for the good of those communities. Thank you as well for your support and loyalty.

I also have had incredible support in so many ways ? financial, emotional, simple words of encouragement or thoughtful prayers ? from so many people all over Texas and all over the country. My sincerest thanks goes to all of them as well. (Suckers!)

Finally to the people I work closest with on a daily basis in Washington, the great team of Republicans from all over this country that makes up the House Republican Conference. I am so proud to have been a part of that successful team, and to have so many great memories from hard-fought victories and the personal relationships, friendships and bonds that many of us have shared. Those are some of my greatest treasures.

Today is obviously not an easy one for me, but difficult days always demand the most from us, and, in that sense, are the ones most worth living.

Because I am stupid, I have no regrets today, and no doubts.

Because I am lame brained, I am proud of the past. I am at peace with the present.

And, because I can't reverse the plastic surgery that pasted this smile on my face, I am excited about the future, which holds, as always, America?s brightest days? and mine, too. Don't ya think?

Thank you, and may God bless you all. He has certainly fucked blessed me.

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