"This question is not easy to answer and, depending on who you ask, you may get different answers. But most people agree that intelligence is information needed by our nation's leaders, also known as policy makers, to keep our country safe."

"Policy makers, like the President, do not have time to read all the other countries' newspapers . . . there are just too many of them."

[Kids, there are just too many newspapers. We need the CIA to read newspapers. This is known as "intelligence gathering."]

"Also, there is information that other countries will not share with the United States, called secrets."

[Imagine that. Some countries keep secrets from the Home of the Brave, Land of the Free. And sometimes, those secrets are not real secrets, just stuff those countries don't want us to know. Do you know how we feel about secrets, Billy?]

"All this information is very important to our nation's leaders."

[Let's review, children: Because our policy makers are so busy doing other important work, we need the CIA to read newspapers and to get at those secrets those other countries are keeping from us. Once we get the secrets, we keep it a secret from the American people.]

"The intelligence puzzle begins when the President, National Security Council or Cabinet members have questions that need answering."

[You know, questions like: How's my tie? Do you think the Chinese will loan us a few more bucks? How did she get into the Oval office, anyway? Where are the WMDs? Anyone going to Niger?]

"Once a question is asked and we determine what type of "puzzle" it is, we then set out to solve it for the policy maker. The answers to these questions are intelligence."

[See, it's kind of like Wheel of Fortune or Pictionary. Fortunately, they are so good at this, most of the questions can be answered in one of three ways: 1) Ignore 'em; 2) Scare 'em; 3) Kill 'em. Fun, isn't it? ]

So that's the gist of it. The CIA is really cool, isn't it? I bet one day you'd like to be a CIA operative, wouldn't you? What cute kids! Hey, would you kids like to take a field trip? Sound like fun? Here's George to show you around. Here's George?

Thanks! Ok, kids, since I'm the only living famous person on our tour of the CIA, I have the pleasure of conducting tours. So follow me to the CIA's Museum of Wild and Wacky Intelligence Stuff. This unique collection illustrates the history of US intelligence by showing some of the artifacts and tools used by men and women serving in various aspects of American espionage. It's really nifty stuff.

READ MY LIPS: Every artifact and photograph has been declassified by the appropriate officials for open viewing.

The MULE SHOE was worn by Francis the Mule. You might have seen him in the movies. He was a master of disguises and a great prankster. He once disguised himself as Mr. Ed and snuck onto the set. The entire episode was filmed while Ed laid backstage sedated.

The CALTROP (TIRE SPIKE), named for Calvin Caltrop, was used to puncture the tires of Communist sympathizers during the Cold War.

The STEREOSCOPE AND CASE were used to make bootleg copies of music played by persons we didn't think were too "cool." We have one of the largest music libraries in the world, perhaps even the largest--from Al Jolson to Jimi Hendrix. The quality is poor, but we were the first to record Janis Joplin singing the National Anthem. It took some coaxing, but she did a fine job.

The ENIGMA ENCODING MACHINE is the most fascinating device in the museum. It decodes the great mysteries of the universe. Today, we use it primarily to monitor God and Santa Claus. We think God might be sympathetic to Communists. "Santa" is code for a very special secret agent.

The MARK IV MICRODOT CAMERA and The MINOX CAMERA were used to take pictures of ex-CIA families. That ugly one at the top was used to take grainy pictures of the enemies families while they were in hotel rooms. Then, we would distribute these pictures to their friends. What a hoot!

The "BELLY BUSTER" HAND-CRANK AUDIO DRILL is still one of my favorites here at the museum. It really does trim unwanted fat!

The SEISMIC INTRUDER DETECTION DEVICE is a little something Francis left for us when he was in trouble and wanted us to find him. Though he was a master of disguises, Francis had difficulty disguising his four legs, so he made up for it in his ingenuity. He always left a trail for us to find him, and we always found him.

The DEAD-DROP SPIKES was nicknamed the "Drop-Dead" Spikes because they were a favorite among our female counteragents.

The "SILVER DOLLAR" HOLLOW CONTAINER was used to hide small items like rubles and pennies. If you rubbed two together, a hologram of a genie would appear, claiming to grant three wishes to the user. Great party game.

The AIR AMERICA CAP was worn by CIA agents during WWI. When worn, the agents took on the magical appearance of baseball players, allowing them free access to some of the most secret places, like Yankee stadium.

The MODEL OF U-2 FLOWN BY FRANCIS GARY POWERS is one of my favorite items here at the museum. Francis Gary Powers was the great grandfather of Austin powers. Shag, baby!

This is a replica of the statue of Nathan Hale, great, great grandfather of Alan Hale from Gilligan's Island. In the late 18th century, Nathan went under cover as a Dutch schoolmaster behind British lines to collect information. We're not sure why. He was captured by the British and hanged on September 22, 1776. The British executioner asked if he had any final words. He is credited with these famous words: "I only regret I have but one life to lose for my country." Actually, he said, "I'm a patsy!"

That's all I got, kids. Hope you enjoyed the Museum.

Now, we have a special treat for you.

I'm Bo, from the canine corp. I'm ruff, ruff over my job with the CIA. Yep, I'm a CIA agent. You can walk me, pet me, or even pull my tail. I won't bite: unless you're a secret operative from an unfriendly country. You, too, can be a CIA secret agent. We could play Frisbee! Here's a picture of me in my various disguises. Can you pick out which one is really me?