My Hero, Mr. Bill Fenton
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your
husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We
cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire
family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on
our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling
from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have
been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski:
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton
has done while his spouse/partner was shopping:
- June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly placed
them in customer's carts when they weren't looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the Housewares
Department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in the Housewares Department..... and watched what
happened.
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.
- September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
- September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows from the
bedding department.
- September 23: When a clerk asked if she could assist him,
he began to cry and asked "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
- October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it
as a mirror, and picked his nose.
- November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
- December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
- December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different sized funnels.
- December 18: Hid in a clothing rack, and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
- December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"
- December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
waited a while, then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in
here!"
Attached is a line up of still pictures our
surveillance cameras took. To prove we are serious, one of these men is
the real Mr. Fenton. Please come to our headquarters to identify the real Bill
Fenton at which time we will release him into your custody.
ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS,
WILL THE REAL BILL FENTON PLEASE STAND UP!
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